8 Tips to Get Your Teen to Talk to You

Is it possible to get your teen to talk to you? Yes, it is. You’re probably not quite sure when your chatty grade-schooler transformed into a monosyllabic adolescent who would rather scroll away on their cell phone than talk to you about … well, anything.

Becoming more closemouthed is a normal stage of growing up and exercising independence. Don’t take the behavior personally. Countless parents like you are having the same experience.

Even if your teen is giving you the silent treatment, research indicates that it’s likely they really want to talk to you, especially about difficult topics like drugs and sex. They hesitate because they think you are unapproachable on these subjects.

Ideas to Get Your Teen to Talk to You

Breaking down that barrier is possible, but it takes a little work. Here are some tips to get you started.

1. Set a good example. If you want your child to be open with you, show them how it’s done. Talk about what happened during your day, what you found interesting, and what you found annoying or disappointing. Tell stories about your childhood or share things about yourself that you’re not exactly proud of. Show them it’s safe to talk about mistakes and things that don’t go well without fear of repercussions.
2. Start with the small stuff. Sure, you want your teen to share what they are feeling deep down, but it can take time for them to feel comfortable — and safe — revealing their insecurities about dating, their argument with their BFF, or fears about going off to college. Resist the urge to dive into the deep end of the conversation pool and start with everyday topics like video games, the season finale of their favorite show, or the cute dog video you found on YouTube.
3. Skip the lecture and just listen. As a parent, your natural inclination might be to make every conversation a teaching moment, whether it be a warning on the dangers of drugs after watching a news report on the prevalence of fentanyl or criticism about the latest fashion trend. Instead of delivering a life lesson, sit back and let them talk about a topic of their choice. Don’t interrupt, except to insert a well-placed “uh-huh” or other cue that you are paying attention.
4. Stay positive. As humans — especially parents — we tend to have a negative bias. Focusing on what’s wrong with the world or your teen’s behavior alerts you to what you need to protect them from or improve in them. Instead, try catching them in the act of doing something right or bring up a story of someone doing something good. Positive interactions lead to more positive interactions.
5. Don’t judge. Whether it’s due to social media, their friends, teachers, or parents, teens feel like they are constantly being judged. Taking some of that pressure off by lowering or not voicing your expectations or disappointment in their behavior can go a long way in building trust between you. Instead of focusing on the performance or conduct that disappoints, let your teen know you stand by them no matter what.
6. Be vulnerable. As they learn to navigate the world and all its uncertainties, teens feel vulnerable all the time. Show them everyone feels at risk from time to time by telling them about situations where you feel exposed, unsafe, or hurt by another’s actions. Being honest about your worries can create an opening for your teen to reveal their own vulnerabilities.
7. Skip the usual questions. Teens disconnect when repeatedly asked the same questions: How was your day? Do you have any homework? Instead, spice up the conversation by asking them what makes them laugh or nervous.
8. Keep at it. Building trust with your teen may take time. Don’t expect them to pour their heart out to you the first time you reach out to them in a new way. Try not to get discouraged or impatient. Sticking to it shows that you care and can build trust gradually. They will respond in their own time.

Related:
Stress and Children: Identifying Signs and Finding Solutions
How to Talk to Your Teen About Opioid Drugs